This is something I worked out, the hard way, several years into living with prolonged uncertainty about what would happen with my sons. It changed how I carried it. I think it can change how other dads — and anyone walking through a long ordeal — carry theirs.

Most of us, when we're going through something difficult, are told to stay hopeful. It's well-meant. But there's a problem with where hope tends to live. Hope held in the mind — actively thinking optimistic thoughts, mentally rehearsing a good outcome, picturing the moment of reunion or vindication — is fragile. Every time you imagine the good ending, you also, in the same motion, imagine its absence. The mind can't easily separate hope from fear when they're both running as imagined futures. One opens the door for the other.

So you sit there, late at night…

Most fathers don't realise they're in a strategic situation until several moves have already been made.

This is one of the hardest things I've come to understand about how family court actually works, and one of the most important pieces of advice I'd give to any dad approaching it. The reality is far closer to a chess game than to the fact-finding exercise most men assume they're walking into — and by the time you realise that, your opponent is often six moves ahead.

Let me explain what I mean.

When a relationship breaks down and there's conflict over children, both parents are theoretically equal under the law…